I can try to describe how it feels. When you suddenly feel like your insides are heavy and it becomes more difficult to even stand up. But weight is not your problem. In fact, food does no good. It’s hard to eat when everything in you slows down to nothing. You see things differently, too. Slowly, things feel farther away. It’s like you’re looking through a window and you can almost see the backs of your pupils.

But the hardest part is not the way you feel in your gut. Or in your head. It’s much too deep for that. You cannot connect with people. Especially the ones you care about. The harder they try, the more you resist. I want to hurt them because I hurt. And yet, I hate myself for doing it. Because I don’t want them to hurt, really. I want reaction. I want change. I want something to make me feel something other than what I do. I want to provoke an argument, a discussion, an interaction. I want to make sense of the heavy feelings inside. But most importantly, I want to throw them on someone else.

That’s enough for today.