I can try to describe how it feels. When you suddenly feel like your insides are heavy and it becomes more difficult to even stand up. But weight is not your problem. In fact, food does no good. It’s hard to eat when everything in you slows down to nothing. You see things differently, too. Slowly, things feel farther away. It’s like you’re looking through a window and you can almost see the backs of your pupils.

But the hardest part is not the way you feel in your gut. Or in your head. It’s much too deep for that. You cannot connect with people. Especially the ones you care about. The harder they try, the more you resist. I want to hurt them because I hurt. And yet, I hate myself for doing it. Because I don’t want them to hurt, really. I want reaction. I want change. I want something to make me feel something other than what I do. I want to provoke an argument, a discussion, an interaction. I want to make sense of the heavy feelings inside. But most importantly, I want to throw them on someone else.

That’s enough for today. 

In the interest of keeping this page, well, interesting, I thought I’d add a little more content. I’ll admit the real reason for my writers block has probably got a lot to do with my recent mood. Blue, blue, blue. It really sucks to feel blue. Especially when there really is no apparent reason for it. But, if I analyze the feeling a little more, it’s actually better described as discontent. I read somewhere recently that being discontent (or unsatisfied) is a good thing; that it means you are really in a place where you are ready to move forward. We’ll see how long it takes for my wheels to start turning…

I always imagined that when I became an adult, I would have this successful job and steady life. I thought that my family would look at my life and realize how much I’m worth, and maybe, be inspired to change their own lives. Not that there is anything wrong with their lives (I’ll discuss my family another day, that’s a doozy of a topic). But it seems like one day I woke up, looked around, and realized that world kept it’s promise and continued spinning. Only, my mind stayed stagnant. Gone through the motions. I got to where I wanted to go (basically). I finished school, have a stable job, a stable (and wonderful) relationship, and things are pretty much stable. But a day doesn’t go by that I don’t remember things. A day doesn’t go by that my mind doesn’t drift off to a time in life when I only dreamed and imagined today. I would have never guessed then that I’d be looking back now.

 ..No, seriously…nothing. I don’t really know what to say. I guess I really don’t have much to say. Nothing too meaningful, anyway. But then, I guess I just said something. So I was wrong. I do have something to say. And that is, “I have nothing to say.” Maybe I’ll have better luck tomorrow…